My Opinions Are Better Than Yours

Shia LaDouche Naked. DMX Wants To Fight Drake.

As many of you may of heard by now Shia Labeouf has a new movie out called Lawless, an upcoming movie coming out called Nymphomania, and has stated he will never do big budget movies ever again. Only art house films for this fucker. 

Okay.

First off, I can almost guarantee Lawless is garbage. Tom Hardy dies at the end, Shia does not. Spoiled it? Oops. I didn’t see it. I just read it on Wikipedia, so I could be wrong. No I’m not. It’s based on a TRUE STORY. Learn some history. 

Anyway.

Shia Labeouf is the biggest asshole known to man. First off you dirty fuck, NOBODY on God’s green Earth is going to believe you’re a tortured soul. It isn’t happening. Just because you’re having actual sex in a movie that will be seen by 15 people does not make you artsy. You know what else doesn’t make you artsy? Starring in a video where you’re naked and everyone can see your Hebrew Hammer. Sorry, but painting dirt on a naked girls body doesn’t impress me. 

Oh word son? 

I watched this video and like 2 minutes in I was out. I was like, I gotta slap this guy when I see him. Oh wait, remember when the homeless guy was stomping this shit out of Shia Labeouf and he just took it while everyone watched and silently cheered? I do. I watched that video like six times just to make myself happy. You know what video I DIDN’T watch six times? Shia’s little art house film.

Yo BICEPS OF HADES, why do you hate Shia so much?

Because. He is like Kanye West, always trying to prove to everyone he’s revolutionary and artsy and unique. Yes, Shia presents beautiful projects that, on the outside, appear to be beautiful works of art. But on the inside of his mosaic, it is a lackluster and lazy performance EVERY time. Like, has anyone seen Transformers? HE’s in it for 30 minutes at the beginning, and the rest is him running, screaming, and saying the word “No” 50 times. 

“Why you gotta be so mean to me, dawg?” 

Ionno, I just gotta be. Shia is like those slutty girls who take a picture of a blade of grass, throw it into black and white, and take on a faux hipster persona. It irks me. Son, be Louis Stevens, be Kale from Disturbia. Go back to your roots young gun because literally NOBODY is buying into your drama career. Shia is a funny dude and has made some good movies (Disturbia, Holes) but somewhere along the line (Transformers) son got a hot head and started thinking he was hot shit and became the prima donna of the acting industry. Get ALL the way the fuck out of here. Now you wanna try and be some hipster art boy. Sheeeeesh. The acting Drake right here. 

SPEAKING OF DRIZZZZZZY DRAKE. 

Son, who in the world told you “Yo Drake, you should totally wear this. It looks so good”? Thank God he looked presentable for the rest of the night. 

Never mind.

Anyway, what I ‘m getting at here, is that Drake and Shia are just alike. They both present themselves as artists who are revolutionizing the world while doing absolutely nothing different. 

DMX was miffed at Drake for working on the Aaliyah project and not letting any of the artists who actually worked with her back in the day help on the album. Do I personally care? Not really. But if DMX wants to fight Drake, I’m not gonna stop it. I mean, DMX is unstable and possibly homosexual. He says some pretty gay lyrics. So like, he MIGHT beat up Drake and he MIGHT take it a step further. Like somewhere in the rape section. 

Thank God Weezy has fallen alllllll the way the fuck off though. 

THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.

The Overwhelming Feelings I Feel For Lana Del Rey

I have 7 celebrity crushes, total. These 7 celebrities make my life better. I love them. They do not know I exist. I imagine this is how nerdy guys in 90’s teen comedies feel when the popular girl in school doesn’t like them. I feel like I’m standing at my locker with a fucking brace around my neck, watching this girl get tossed around like they’re nothing and wondering why a great guy can’t come sweep them off of their feet. 

My seven celebrity crushes:

- Lana Del Rey

For the record, no she isn’t hot, but she has captivated my heart in ways I can’t explain…more on this later.

- Rachel Taylor

I asked for her number…she told me no. 

- Meryl Streep

Fuck you, don’t judge me. Something about the way she commands respect when she walks in a room gets to me. 

- Rashida Jones

Perfect. 

- Kate Winslet

The ULTIMATE celebrity crush. I have loved her since I was 8 and will continue to love her until the end of time. 

(Call me?)

- Tina Fey

This is pretty self explanatory. 

- Melanie Laurent

Will ALWAYS have my heart. ALWAYS. 

Call me ANYTIME. 

HONORABLE MENTION: Lady Lamb The Beekeper

Okay, those pictures were mostly used to take up space to make it look like I had a lot to say. I don’t really have much to say, this is just a whole post dedicated to the feelings I feel when I listen to Lana Del Rey at night. 

First and foremost, I do not promote the idea of guys being pussies. I’m not being a pussy in this post, I’m being fucking REAL if anything. I’m sharing a personal feeling with you. This isn’t me looking out the window and playing a harp, hoping my song notes reach my girl’s ears and she comes back to me. No, this is how I feel when I throw on National Anthem and I start getting real feelings. 

When I throw on Lana Del Rey, I go through the stages of grief in 4 minutes. I don’t know the stages or I’d list em, but I go through them. I was born without tear ducts, but when she comes on, that shit gets to me and I begin crying on the inside of my face because I’m not a bitch. I also sneeze with my eyes open because I’m not a bitch. 

When she hits the high notes, I get some weird sensation coming over me and I just want to pick up the phone, call my ex living in Texas (if you make a Drizzzzzy reference, I’ll break your trachea) and tell her I’m sorry her engagement ring cost 40 dollars. She deserved better than that. Like 50 at least. From K-Mart. Not Wal-Mart. 

When Lana has the bass kick in, I get a feeling of hope. Like, the kinda hope where you can fight off gladiator minotaurs and ride a chariot being pulled by golden koalas. Like, I don’t have the hope that my ex girlfriend will love me, nah, I have hope that I can get a Quasimodo looking guy to worship me like a God and have like 56 girls carrying my throne. Kinda like THIS:

When Lana starts singing falsetto, I feel invincible. Like, I could just swim in the ocean and punch a mythical seahorse in the face. And then I could take away King Triton’s trident and become God of the oceans and the seas. 

I don’t know, this is just how I feel whenever I listen to Lana Del Rey late at night. She’s most likely disease ridden and disgusting, but there is something about her trashiness that allures me to her. I love her. Not as much as Kate Winslet or MELANIE LAURENT of course, but she does have a weird spot in my heart. 

Before I go, I will leave you with the worst heartbreak I have ever received, in the form of Rachel Taylor. 

THE (Heartbroken) BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.

I walk alone. 

Rating All The Batman’s, Bruce Wayne’s, Joker’s, and Who Should Be The Next Batman

So, since the release of the epic Dark Knight Rises, I felt compelled to make a list of all the Batman movies, Joker performances, and other random bullshit, from worst to best. So without further ADIEU, Legggggo. Oh, and as a side note, I do not like the Adam West movies. That will NOT be mentioned anywhere in this list. 

Last Place Batman Movie Goes To:

Batman and Robin!!1

Congrats guys, this is proof that one movie can single handily destroy a franchise. I mean, sitting through this was a nightmare. I mean, Uma Thurman was hotter than hell itself in this movie, and 90’s starlet Alicia Silverfuck was amazing…but with the good comes the bad. Case in point: Robin. I hated Chris O’ Donnell to begin with, but son gets his shitty acting going, and once it picks up steam, never stops. His performance alone in this movie made Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill look like a GEM. Also, Batman and Robin do not win one fight, seriously, watch the movie, not one fight do they come out being the victors.

Redeeming qualities: Mr. Freeze’s greatest line in the film “Everybody….chilllllllll”

Next up:

Batman Forever

Remember Val Kilmer?

In the 90’s, son was equivalent to Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, he was on the verge of being A list. Never mind the fact that Batman Forever was garbage, Joel Shumacher directed both of these films (shocked?), Val Kilmer was Jim Morrison, ICE MAN in Top Gun (Never saw it, I hear it is good though, and by good I mean not good at all), and whoever he was in Heat. Add Batman to that list and you’re on track for an epic career. 

Val Kilmer today though…

Sup ladiesssssss? 

Now we move on to the good Batman movies:

Batman (1989)

No complaints from me. Kim Bassinger as Vicki Vale (She was also Eminem’s mom in 8 Mile) was spot on. Now, if anyone read the comics, none of you did, Vicki Vale is the ultimate love interest for Bruce Weezy. 

Batman Begins

Honestly, I’ve seen this movie 5 times and I still can’t remember shit from it. 

Batman Returns

How did this fit above Begins and the original BAtman you might ask? Because 1. I said so, 2. It is a better film than those two. Now, Nolan’s trilogy all together is the standard, but this movie crept in and scared the shit out of me when I watched it. Oswald Cobblepott (the dad from Matilda) was the most horrifying villain and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman was the best Catwoman to date.

The Dark Knight Rises

Loved this movie. So suck a dick. Don’t feel like explaining myself.

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

Oh you’re a huge Batman fan and didn’t know this movie existed? Yeah, theaters and all. 

The Dark Knight

Cliche that this is the best one? Yes. Why? Because it is the best one you guise. Heath Ledger put on the greatest performance EVER, in the history of cinema, throughout every movie I have ever seen, nobody can hold a candle to this performance. There have been some great performances in the past (Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson, Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean, Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds, Marlon Wayans in Requiem For A Dream) and none of those, NONE OF THOSE, come close to this performance. The way Ledger stole every scene was nothing short of greatness. When he wasn’t in it, I hated it. That’s how valuable his performance was.

Now…onto rating the best Batman’s. Now there is a difference in best Batman and best Bruce Wayne, mind you.

5. George Clooney

Son came in here and ruined Batman’s good name. Dude couldn’t even be a good Bruce Wayne. For this abysmal performance he finishes fucking LAST.

Batman Rating: 1/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 1/10

Bat nipples…

4. Val Kilmer

No, no, no, no, no. NO. Dark Knight turned into a Giant Pussy Knight. But as Bruce Wayne, mediocre is the best I would describe that performance.

Batman Rating: 4/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 5/10

3. Kevin Conroy

Haha, you have no idea who that is. BUT, being that it was animated it gets a perfect score but falls to number 3 on the list. His Batman voice was amazing though. He was also Batman in Arkham City/Asylum 

Batman Rating: 10/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 10/10

2. Christian Bale

Before you go disagreeing with me, this is where it gets hard. Where Batman and Bruce Wayne ratings are different, the top two spots are really a tie for number 1. As Batman, I mean, let’s not pretend he was that good. But as Bruce Wayne, he was what Bruce Wayne SHOULD have been all along.

Batman Rating: 7/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 10/10

1. Michael Keaton

Best Batman hands down. Not the best Bruce Wayne, but Batman - no contest. I could understand him, he kicked ass, and he was smooth as hell. 

Batman Rating: 10/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 7/10

Now…onto the Joker

3. Jack Nicholson:

When there is only 3 Jokers, the top 3 is very hard to decide. But Jack Nicholson gets to take the 3rd spot because he was scary and funny, but I never really thought of him as anything but Jack Nicholson in that movie.

2. Luke Skywalker

Yes, Mark Hamill was the voice of the Joker in the Animated Series. That voice was iconic, and set the standards for The Joker. It is very hard to beat out a performance such as this, even if it was only his voice. Besides…he’s LUKE FUCKING SKYWALKER.

1. Heath Ledger

I explained this earlier.

Now…who should take over as the new Batman?

For all of you hoping it is Joseph Gordon Levitt, I can almost guarantee it isn’t happening. But below are a list of 3 actors that could pull it off.

3. Gerard Butler

Did you see the man in 300? He would be the perfect balance between Batman and Bruce Wayne that Christian Bale and Michael Keaton lacked. BUT, while both performances would be balanced out, they would both be an ungodly amount of mediocrity. He would be just average on both ends of the spectrum.

2. Ryan Gosling

The greatest actor of our generation? Yes sir. There isn’t an actor right now that is better than Gosling. Sure, he has done some really shitty work - see The Notebook and Crazy Stupid Movie - but then he does shit like Half Nelson, Blue Valentine, Drive, and Ides of March that shoot him to the top.  Only one problem stands in his way: He would be the greatest Bruce Wayne of all time, but the nerdiest Batman of all time.Yes, he was a badass in Drive, but only because he had about 4 lines. He has the nerdy Canadian voice that doesn’t exactly intimidate ruthless thugs. Now, Gosling as THE RIDDLER? Son would give Heath a run for his money.

1. Hugh Jackman

Remember, this list is in no particular order, but Hugh Jackman would be a BAMF Batman. Son is ripped. He is the freaking Wolverine. He would KILL IT as Batman. Hell, he’d even be a great Bruce Wayne. But, like the rest of this list, there remains a problem: Son is 42 years old. By the time they would release this movie, he’ll be about 45. Do we really trust a 45 year old to play a young billionaire who kicks ass? You won’t be able to tell while he is Batman, but while he is Bruce Wayne? It would be weird to see him with a younger woman. He would be the perfect Batman, but the worst Bruce Wayne. 

One last note…

Take a good long look at the man who used to be Bruce Wayne/Batman…

THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN

The Dark Knight Rises Complaints

Let me start of by saying this movie was BICEPS OF HADES approved, loved it despite its obvious flaws. This was a perfect finale and I don’t think there was a better way they could have sent Batman off. After the movie I told myself I was gonna go rock climbing, get into shape, become Berea’s reckoning…instead I’m watching How I Met Your Mother and bitching about a great movie. 

But, despite the movie being badass, there were some very notable flaws. These are mostly nitpicking things, things that don’t actually bother me because when you go watch a super hero movie, logic should never play a part. I mean, the Avengers was an illogical mess, but it was still fantastic. 

Beware, if you haven’t seen this movie, some shit will be spoiled, so there you have it. 

1. How did Joseph Gordon Levitt know Bruce was Batman?

I can’t answer this, I know he said he just “knew”, but how come nobody else “just knew”? I mean, if a 10 year old orphan child can figure out something that the city’s top detectives had been trying to figure out for years, does that make sense? No. I know he’s Robin (more on that later), but if he’s figuring out who Batman is at age 10, then this kid should have been a fucking Hardy Boy at age 15. Now, had he figured it out at the END, that would’ve been more logical, but I just can’t accept that he knew it when he was 10. 

2. I didn’t understand how Bane and Talia knew each other…or anything about Bane

I could have just missed this completely, but how in the world did Bane and Talia know each other? Why was he her protector in prison? Why didn’t they explain the mask? If she was the only person to ever escape the prison, how did he get out? This isn’t a major point because this could have been explained and I just missed it, which was likely due to stuffing 34 subplots in a 3 hour span.

3. Batman had his back broken right?

Since everyone apparently has read every Batman comic before seeing this film, you know Bane was the only villain to ever defeat Batman. In the movie, he literally shattered Batman’s back, broke him down, made him look like a little BIOTCH. A few weeks later, son is out there rock climbing, making bats out of matches and gasoline, beating the shit out of Bane…I mean, break my back, and I’m probably out for a few years at least, recovering and all that. I’m just saying, a massage and a rope isn’t gonna magically fix that back. And then his failed attempts at escaping the prison caused him to hit his back hard against rocks…wouldn’t that set him back? Nahhhhh

4. The Prison? 

Were there no guards at this prison? How did Bane get into the prison? If someone escapes, they have the power to free all prisoners? Is there a due process to get into the prison? I mean, the hell guys?

5. Christian Bale and Marion Cotillard bang.

I’ve loved her since Public Enemies and she’s my ultimate celebrity crush. I don’t wanna see my girl getting her sex on.

6. How did Bruce Wayne get back to Gotham after escaping the prison?

Dude has no money, no form of transportation, he’s out in the desert, no Alfred Pennyworth to pick him up, and Gotham is sealed off from anyone coming in…how did he make it back, find Selina Kyle, and have time to draw a flaming bat? 

7. How did the CIA NOT notice the giant plane full of terrorists hovering above them? And why did they take two hooded men without checking who they were?

I mean, you’re CIA, Central Intelligence Agency, how the fuck do you not notice this giant ass plane hovering above you and sending terrorists down to free Bane? I mean, I understand Gotham Police aren’t the smartest bunch (they sent EVERY cop on the force down to the sewers which caved in) but you’re the CIA. STEP IT UP. 

8. Naming John Blake “Robin” was lame. 

Name him what Robin’s name ACTUALLY is, Dick Grayson. 

9. What happened to Alfred?

Where did he go once he left? I could have missed it, but they pretty much ignored the fact that he left. I mean, this man has been a part of Bruce’s life since he was a baby, he up and leaves and nobody asks where he went or even seems to care. That’s okay Alfred, I cared. 

You don’t say you love me to your friends when they ask you :’(

10. So many endings, so little time.

If you recall, I wrote a post about how awful the ending to LOTR: Return of the King was. They had about 45 different endings that lasted 10 minutes a piece. The Dark Knight Rises had about 5 endings that lasted 3 seconds a piece. The material was there, they had it perfectly. It could have been somber, inspiring, emotional, and satisfying. But they rushed the shit out of it. We went through Batman’s funeral, Robin becoming Robin, a statue being made of Batman, orphan kids getting their funding back, Lucios Fox finding out Wayne fixed The Bat 6 months ago, and Batman being alive in Paris with Selina Kyle and Alfred. That alone should have taken 10 minutes tops. But son, it took about 3 minutes. Which was a little disappointing. 

****Honorable Mention****

Bane and Talia got JIPPED in their death scenes.

Marion Cotillard died looking like an angel…but her death should have been more epic than a truck crash and having a scratch. Bane on the other hand, he was such a bad ass UNTIL they gave him an emotional backstory. Part of why the Joker and Scarecrow were great villains was the lack of motive and feelings. I don’t like to point blame, but I’m about 100000000000% sure Christopher Nolan let Drake write that final scene. Bane sheds a a tear, and Selina Kyle blasts him with a gun and says something only a sassy cat would say. 

FUCK YOU DRAKE.

Like I said, wonderful movie, just a few minor complaints and potholes. 

THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN. 

The Saga of Joe Paterno

What’s up everyone? Between Fantasy Football and ruling the underworld, and working out by catching lightning bolts in my hand, I don’t have much time to update this shit as much as I’d like, but today is a special ocassion. 

Unless you live in a pineapple under the sea, you may have heard about the Freeh Report? What is that you ask? Basically it is the judge confirming what a piece of shit Joe Paterno actually is. 

So, today, in honor of me being right all along about this fuck boy, I am blessing you with a post that will talk about what this situation is, how it affects us, and what the consequences will be. So, without further adieu, I present you with…

THE SAGA OF JOE PATERNO

WHO IS THIS JOE PATERNO AND WHAT DID HE DO?

Good question, Joe Paternity Paterno is a piece of shit who happens to be a great coach for the Penn Station State Nittany Lions. Joe Pa is looked at as a role model in the Penn State community and the god of football coaches. 

To address the next question, what did he do, the answer is simple.

NOTHING. 

Joe Pa didn’t do shit. While Jerry San-Fuck-Me was banging little boys in the shower, Joe Paterno was protecting Penn State from bad press, all in the name of landing a recruit and not ruining the good name Penn State has established for itself.

FUCK JOE PATERNO, JERRY SANDUSKY, AND THE REST OF THE PENN STATE STAFF I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OR KNOW THE NAMES OF.

ARE PEOPLE DEFENDING HIM?

You bet a child’s asshole they are. The Joe Pa supporters are saying “He did everything he was supposed to”, “Penn State killed Joe Pa”, “He wasn’t charged with anything, he’s innocent”.

Know who else is “innocent”, you fucktards?

OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony…and possibly George Zimmerman 

“Casey Anthony didn’t kill her child, NAW, someone murdered it, threw it in the woods, and blamed it on her maid.”

Oh, and that whole month her child was missing, which she didn’t report, she was getting WHITE GIRL WASTEDDDD OMGZZZZ. Yeah, she’s innocent.

“NAW, OJ Simpson didn’t kill his wife and that other guy. Naw man, no way.” 

Yeah bro, yes way. 

“George Zimmerman killed Trayvizzle out of self defense, the media is brainwashing you”

Granted Trayvon was most likely a piece of shit, nobody deserves to get killed. 

Basically, people saying Joe Paterno is innocent just like to disagree with popular opinion. So forgive them and pray to Hades their child doesn’t get molested and someone looks the other way. 

Sup fellas? 

HOW DOES IT AFFECT US?

Let me tell you a story, a week before the scandal - I swear, just a WEEK - I was playing NCAA with a friend of mine. I was thinking about Penn State because Joe Fuck just became the winningest neglector coach in the history of college football, and the following conversation took place:

——-

Me: Hey friend, you know who runs a clean program?

Friend: Who, you awesome human being that gets so many girls and I am envious of?

Me: Penn State. They never have recruiting scandals or any bad press. I love Joe Paterno, he runs an honest program.

Friend: I wish I could be just like you.

——-

Maybe it didn’t happen EXACTLY like that, but I promise you I said those statements. 

But how does it affect us? We now have a new slang phrase:

“Pulling a Paterno”

Joe Paterno took not snitching to a whole new level, I respect him staying loyal to his brethren, but he is still a cock munch.

Next time someone tries to get you to snitch, simply say, “Nah man, I’m gonna have to pull a Paterno.

You wanna say something, but you have to bite your tongue, “I’m just gonna pull a Paterno”.

You want your girlfriend to stop talking, “Hey baby, can you pull a Paterno”? 

BAM. 

Joe Pa has given the world the next “YOLO”. 

WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF JOE PA’S NON-ACTIONS?

GOOD QUESTION. 

As ruler of the underworld, Joe Pa’s soul was brought down to me. At first I said, FUCK THAT. No way in my house will I ever have Joe Pa down here. But after a few minutes of clever bantering, I accepted his Ratatouille looking ass. 

Down here, I have been letting him get the shit beat out of him, which contradicts my rule of “No Bullying”. And whenever he comes to me about getting bullied, I simply pull a Paterno and look the other way. I didn’t see anything. Hehe ;)

But on a serious note, that cock gobbler is in the furthest depths of hell, next to where Ray Allen will be after he stabbed Boston in the back. 

So that’s all I have today on my hate of Joe Paterno and my usual jab at the Miami Heat. 

Here’s to hoping Sandusky lives for another 40 years. Because he will be spending that in prison.

And to the people who are defending Joe Pa, your spot down in the underworld is waiting for you. 

THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.

ADD ME ON MYSPACE. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @HunterSaylor

CHRIS BROWN DISSED DRAKE - LYRICS HERE

Chris Brown dissed Drake, don’t ask me how, but I got the lyrics to this monstrosity. Be prepared, Breezy goes in. 

Verse 1:

Yeah ni**a, It’s Breezy,
ya’ll done saw what I did to Rhi Rhi

I’m finna arrange yo face,
spread yo legs ni**a, I’ll tell you how it taste

 Yo eyebrows are so big, they look like caterpillars
 I stand up all my bitches, kinda like some pillars

Yeah Drake, I’m talking to you
I’m in yo ass ni**a, you could say I’m stalking you

I’m going hard up in yo ass, can you feel that shit 
I’m so up in that shit, I CAN FEEL YO SHIT

Chorus:

I saaaayyyy Fuuuuckkkk Draaaaaaakkeeee
He got dem fries, but ain’t got nooooo shaaaakeeee

For Heaven’s saaaaaake
Fuuuuck Draaaaakkeee

Verse 2:

Ay Drake, how’s it feel?
Kinda like Rhianna when she grabbed the wheel?

Yeah ni**a, I got a grammy
I’m the baddest bitch, do you understand me?

Yo fuck this dude, OVOXO looks like a love letter
Call me macaroni and cheese homie, I GET CHEDDAR

You think you cool cuz you chill with Bieber?
I’m the boss, Simon says follow da leader

You talking all that shit bout busting bottles?
Ni**a, I STAY BUSTING MODELS

Haaaa I ain’t even talking about sex
I beat em up, and then it’s onto the next

Repeat Chorus (x2)

———

Then Drake came in on the remix, kind of similar to what Common did, and called out Breezy.

———

Verse 3 (Drake) :

Awwwwwwwww, homie you don’t want it.
I got diamonds and bracelets, yeah ni**a I flaunt it.
Yeah bitch, you don’t won’t it.
Yeah, I got it, you can have, you can own it.

Awwwwwwwww

It’s Drake up in this motha fucka
This shit got mo’ beef than a fuckin Fudd Rucka

Yeahhhh, girllll you knooooow
You still got it girl, there you gooooo

YMCMB, that’s meeeee
YMCMB, I saaaaid that’s meeeee

Ayo, I don’t even think Breezy was talking bout me
But I’ma stop tha breeze
I said that subliminally

Yeah, you are who I’m addressin’
I’ma skate on yo ass, you know I took dem lessons

Awwwwwwwwww 

I grew up in Toronto
I give head, honcho

I meant, I’m the head honcho
Let’s role play, you be the Lone Ranger, yeah I can be Tonto

Umso Umso Umso mad at you
Don’t get me no chocolates and ask me whyyy I got a atttiituuuddeeee 

Chorus.

————

So…yeah, again don’t ask me HOW I got it. All that matters is I got these lyrics. This is better than Ether and Takeover COMBINED. 

THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.

“Believe” Justin Bieber Review.

Justin Bieber releases his third album, Believe, today. I went and copped this, ya know whatever, I like to give every artist a chance. It’s no secret I hate Bieber and the pollen he spreads into tween girls. But I’m trying my hardest to set my biases aside and give an honest review of this album. 

God I hate this fuck boy. 

1. All Around The World (Ft. Ludacris)

Son pollinates this track with his new deep voice and inspirational lyrics. I’m not mad about this track, it’s actually ALMOST all right, it’s like a song that I wouldn’t absolutely slap someone for bumping it. I could definitely imagine people listening to this on a nudist beach, that’s the vibe I got. This song is OKAY. I was hoping for a sick guest spot from Ludacris, the king of the south, but son just got his mediocrity on and let Biebs outshine him.

2. Boyfriend

The first single from this album, Boyfriend. Again, just OKAY. I don’t really fucks with it, but I can definitely understand a teenage girl liking it. I mean, this shit is definitely not touching my ipod. I just don’t see why guys are into hearing Justin Bieber telling them the benefits of dating him. It’s almost like Biebs is trying his hardest to prove he likes girls. Like I said, shit is OKAY, definitely not going out of my way to ever listen to this again in my lifetime though.

3. As Long As You Love Me (Ft. Medium Sean)

As soon as this shit started I was ready to cut out my ear drum. Justin Bieber + Dubstep is not a good combo. Son they’re gonna start playing this shit in place of waterboarding terrorists. Lotion came OOZING outta my headphones. Then Big Sean gets his shitty guest spot. Son starts talking about God knows what. I mean, this shit is so soft, my clothes got softer after listening to this pile of shit. I can’t even explain this. I’m regretting listening to this album already.

4. Take You

Is this Joe Jonas or J-Biebs? I can’t fucking tell. Biebs gets his Jagged Edge on in this song and starts singing about all the places he can take Selena Gomez. I thought it was Jennifer Lopez on the hook but it’s Biebs. My bad. I don’t know, this shit is a train wreck. How you gonna combine a spanish guitar and dubstep? This shit is Spanish-Euro trash. Between the Renee Zellweger hook and the extreme auto-tune, he is delivering sexual undertones that 11 year olds won’t catch onto. I SEE YOU BIEBER. 

5. Right Here (Ft. The Human Ovary)

FUCK THIS BULLSHIT. Seriously, what the fuck. Apart from the beat you’d hear on one of those hypnosis CD’s that therapists give divorced mom’s, Bieber features his 3rd guest rapper on the album, none other than the Human Kitten, the Human Ovary, Mr. Estrogen Himself, Young Tampon…Drake. I played this shit out my window and the flowers CAME ALIVE. My grandmother’s fucking garden GREW. This was like that green shit in Goosebumps, DAMN. I tried to type some of the lyrics to this song, but that shit fluttered off of the screen and flew out into the wild. Son I played this for my cat and it understood the lyrics, IT UNDERSTOOD. Son, it’s like these two are having a battle for who can be the moistest. This shit is a DISGRACE. 

6. Catching Feelings

J-Biebs was catching butterflies on this bullshit. I couldn’t even get through this, I was starting to form a vagina…

7. Fall

*banging my face on the keyboard* At this point, I don’t even know if I can get through this album.

8. Die In Your Arms

Okay, at this point, I KNOW Drake is helping Bieber with this whole album. Ladies, this album could serve as a tampon. This shit is just a disgrace. The chorus almost makes up for this heaping pile of mediocrity. After the first chorus, this walking maxi-pad gets a little monologue going…that’s as far as I made it. Oh, son also said his first curse word on this track. 

9. Thought of You

More dubstep. I can’t tell if this is Biebs, Usher, Joe Jonas, or Rhianna’s album. I already despised RnB, but this shit is unacceptable. At this point, my new vagina is halfway done. Biebs gets his old voice back on the chorus too, which isn’t a good thing. I thought son hit puberty. 

10. Beauty and a Beat (Ft. Nicki Minaj)

FUCK THIS SHIT. The shittiest singer on earth and the biggest sellout in recent years come together to make the worst fucking song I have ever heard. HOW DARE Justin disgrace a Disney classic. Also, more dubstep. 

11. One Love

Son this shit sounds like the shit they played during my nap time in daycare. Basically, Biebs is painting a portrait of a night on the town. But all he bitches and moans about is having the one love by his side. HE HAS SAID THIS ON EVERY SONG. But he does get his sexual content on in this otherwise bitch made song. I’m going to have to explain to my girlfriend why I have 3/4 of a vagina and lotion all over my ears. Thanks Biebs. 

12. Be Alright

Yeah, this shit is like that Kelsey song by Metro Station plus I Wanna Stand With You On A Mountain by Savage Garden. Those two songs are good, no doubt. This though, there is NO dignity. Dude is AGAIN painting himself as the lonely lover drawing hearts and shit all over his notebook. Biebs needs to come out the placenta and man the fuck up.

13. Believe

All I needed to hear was 5 seconds of this shit to tell I was gonna hate it. 

14. Out of Town Girl

I was convinced at this point all these songs were gonna be dripping estrogen. But son finally comes back to the mediocrity we heard at the beginning of this shitty album. Basically Biebs gets his sexual prowess on about some foreign shawty and tells her to drop it low. Isn’t son about 5 feet tall? She’s gonna be laying on the floor, not dropping it, laying on it.  But this shit is OKAY. He gets his Jagged Edge on again, which is still shitty as fuck, but I’m not mad at it. 

Sup ladies? 

15. She Don’t Like the Lights

Is this a sex song? You know it is. This is that undertone bullshit I was telling you about. Son is making metaphors to his tiny giny on this song. I’m sorry, but when you don’t even stand taller than 5’5, you have NO right to make a sex song. But, again, this shit is moist. This is delicate. This is the shit they play in hair salons. Son is out here writing sonnets with his pinky finger in the air. If I ever hear one of my friends bumping this shit, I’m slaping them outta the stratosphere with a fire hydrant or some shit. 

16. Maria

This shit was awkward. This shit was FUCKING AWKWARD. Biebs goes on to attack that bitch he fucked for 15 seconds and claimed to have his baby. I listened to this shit and I wanted to kill myself. This bitch is gonna listen to this song and tell all her friends that this shit is about her…but what kills me the most about this song is the blatant plagiarism. I thought this shit was Billy Jean by Michael Jackson. This shit is NOT original. This was a shitty attempt at trying to carbon copy a CLASSIC. FUCK THIS KID. 

I know this fuck tard doesn’t play cricket. He may crochet or something like that, but he is deff not playing cricket.

I don’t know how, but I made it through this bullshit. I felt like I just bathed under a mythical waterfall. I feel like I just rode a deer through the meadow. This shit is mediocrity at it’s best. I know Biebs recorded this shit wearing a unitard. I mean, this bullshit is the product of having a baby in the middle of a period. This shit is worse than being bullied, making someone listen to this is deserving of the death penalty. Son I wished I was deaf after this shit. Bieber has NO dignity, how you gonna try to be a hardass side rapper and make this delicate shit. I mean, this gave Drizzzzzzy a run for his money for softest record of the year. I GET THAT IT IS RNB, I get that. I understand this is what Biebs is known for, I get that. I get that this shit is gonna be on Radio Disney. But if you’re a guy or a grown ass human being bumping this album and LIKING it, I’ma slap you out this motherfucking galaxy. Son I’m gonna bring your pop ass down to the underworld of Hades. I had to go destroy some straight edge centaurs after, just to relieve the tension. I had to go to the doctor to get this fucking vagina removed after listening to this shit. Son has no masculinity. The only time I better hear this shit again is if I’m getting my Chuck E. Cheese on. I better never catch someone loving this shit. I don’t exactly HATE Biebs, I respect him doing his thing, getting his grind on, whatever. But that shit needs to STAY IN HIS LANE. Son if you’re getting 12 year olds hot and bothered, STICK TO THAT. Quit crossing over to acting, stop rapping, DROP THE GANGSTA ACT, and focus on making music for girls in training bras.

Final Score: 1/10

This shit was awful. The only reason it got a 1 was because I like that chorus on the first track. 

THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.

Drake Vs. Chris Brown

So the other day, I left the dark underworld to go to my favorite club in New York. I was lounging on the couch, being fanned with leaves and shit, when out of the corner of my eye I saw Drake walk in. 

I was just like, “Alright, whatever.” I wasn’t about to slap Aubrey outta the club. Hades is here for a good time, no need to be starting shit. 

So the party goes on, Drake is on the phone with Fandango ordering midnight tickets to Magic Mike. Whatever, I’m not judging. After he gets off the phone, another lame ass wannabe walks in…

The human shit stain, the woman beater of the year, the American Psycho…Chris Brown.

Don’t know why he wasn’t wearing a shirt, but I wasn’t gonna say anything. 

So I’m watching these two hardasses glancing at each other, making a series of eye flutters, developing a language. Chris Brown calls the waitress over and this is how it all went down…

Chris Brown: Yo, send that hoe ass mother fucka some champagne, caviar, and roses. 

Waitress: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have caviar…

This angers Chris Brown

Needless to say, that bitch went to the ocean and fished out the caviar.

Chris Brown: That’s better, send it over to Aubrey.

Waitress walks over to Aubrey, who is planning to remix that Spice Girls song “If you wanna be my loverrrr, first you gotta get wit my friendsss, nothing lasts foreverrr, FRIENDSHIP NEVA ENDSSSS”

Waitress: This is from Chris Brown.

Drizzzzy analyzes this gift.

Drake: This mutha fucka gonna make me catch a body like that, awwwwwww

Drizzzzzy got up but Meek Mill grabbed him by the shoulder.

Meek Mill: No Aubrey, we have an image to keep. 

Drake: But he’s pissing me off like awwwwww, I need to teach him a lesson, awwwwwww.

Drake walks over to Chris Breezy.

Drake: Fuuuuuuck youuuuuu n********aaaaaa (Marvins Room voice)

Chris Brown: I’ma beat you, beat, youuu, beeeaaat youuuu. (With You voice)

Drake: The square root of 69 is 8 some, right? Me and Rhi Rhi been tryna figure it out awwwwww. (What’s My Name voice)

Chris Brown: I’m gonnnaaaa fuck you uuuupppp. And then get in my Yellow. Lambor. Ghini. (Look At Me Now voice)

So the whole club is crowded around these two, waiting for the epic showdown of the year. I’m on the phone with the souls from the underworld, giving a straight play by play.

And then Drake’s fingernails pulled a Wolverine and scratched Chris Brown across his body. The lotion came oozing out. Drake then did a finger snap/head bob combo to Chris Brown and somersaulted out of the club. 

Out of nowhere, Meek Mill busts a bottle across Breezy’s face and runs out the club yelling WEST SIDE. 

Chris Brown is obviously angry, he finds the closest girl and proceeds to beat the shit out of her. 

The rest is history. 

This is just what I saw, I didn’t fabricate or anything like that.

THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.

Boston Celtics.

This is the one time I have ever felt somber about sports. I ‘ve had my heart broken before by a sports team, but never like this. In a fixed series, that’s all about making up for the money lost during the lockout, Boston lost against Miami; those pieces of fucking shit with that shit eating “coach” and that mother fucking asshole Lebron James. Fuck Miami. 

Go OKC. 

The tears I had last night were awful. This wasn’t a loss, this was it for the Big Three. 

Again, FUCK MIAMI. 

Sorry I Haven’t Posted In A While.

So the other day I was doing my usual workout routine in the forest. I was lifting trees, wrestling oxen, climbing giraffes and knocking elephants down with my shoulders, trying to stay in top physique for the summer time. 

After I finished my workout routine, I planned to go back home…when I ran into a STRAIGHT EDGE centaur. I had never seen such an ugly creature. 

I tried to move around the centaur but he wouldn’t let me pass. 

“Why won’t you let me pass” I asked.

The centaur smiled. 

I said, “What is your name.”

The centaur replied, “XxCentaurasaurusRexxX”

To which I replied, “Fuck”. 

I knew what this was, the straight edge centaurs were angry because I had trekked onto their battlefield to do my workouts. About 98 or these straight edged bastards appeared, along with their godly leader, XxxIamsodifferentxxX.

I smiled and called upon Hades to save me, I am his bicep afterall. 

Hades told me, “No son, you must fight the straight edge centaurs yourself.”

I felt betrayed. How could he do me like that? I had bought this mother fucker a birthday gift and everything.

All of a sudden, the centaurs attacked…

Two hours later, I’m sitting on a pile of dead straight edged centaurs. 

All that remained was the last one…

XxFuckMeSidewaysxX

This wasn’t any straight edged centaur. This was a MINOTAUR.

Suddenly, I remembered that I had my Blue Oyster Cult oyster.

I called onto my noble steed…

All of a sudden, my mythical fucking stallion, Peter, put his two hooves into the chest of the evil straight edge Minotaur. 

Then, I grabbed my chariot and headed off into the distance with Peter, blasting NWA through the radio I had recently installed. 

As I was heading back into the underworld to thank Hades for making me a stronger man, I passed the pussiest mythical elf I had ever seen. 

THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.