So, since the release of the epic Dark Knight Rises, I felt compelled to make a list of all the Batman movies, Joker performances, and other random bullshit, from worst to best. So without further ADIEU, Legggggo. Oh, and as a side note, I do not like the Adam West movies. That will NOT be mentioned anywhere in this list.
Last Place Batman Movie Goes To:
Batman and Robin!!1
Congrats guys, this is proof that one movie can single handily destroy a franchise. I mean, sitting through this was a nightmare. I mean, Uma Thurman was hotter than hell itself in this movie, and 90’s starlet Alicia Silverfuck was amazing…but with the good comes the bad. Case in point: Robin. I hated Chris O’ Donnell to begin with, but son gets his shitty acting going, and once it picks up steam, never stops. His performance alone in this movie made Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill look like a GEM. Also, Batman and Robin do not win one fight, seriously, watch the movie, not one fight do they come out being the victors.
Redeeming qualities: Mr. Freeze’s greatest line in the film “Everybody….chilllllllll”
Remember Val Kilmer?
In the 90’s, son was equivalent to Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, he was on the verge of being A list. Never mind the fact that Batman Forever was garbage, Joel Shumacher directed both of these films (shocked?), Val Kilmer was Jim Morrison, ICE MAN in Top Gun (Never saw it, I hear it is good though, and by good I mean not good at all), and whoever he was in Heat. Add Batman to that list and you’re on track for an epic career.
Val Kilmer today though…
Now we move on to the good Batman movies:
No complaints from me. Kim Bassinger as Vicki Vale (She was also Eminem’s mom in 8 Mile) was spot on. Now, if anyone read the comics, none of you did, Vicki Vale is the ultimate love interest for Bruce Weezy.
Honestly, I’ve seen this movie 5 times and I still can’t remember shit from it.
How did this fit above Begins and the original BAtman you might ask? Because 1. I said so, 2. It is a better film than those two. Now, Nolan’s trilogy all together is the standard, but this movie crept in and scared the shit out of me when I watched it. Oswald Cobblepott (the dad from Matilda) was the most horrifying villain and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman was the best Catwoman to date.
The Dark Knight Rises
Loved this movie. So suck a dick. Don’t feel like explaining myself.
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
Oh you’re a huge Batman fan and didn’t know this movie existed? Yeah, theaters and all.
The Dark Knight
Cliche that this is the best one? Yes. Why? Because it is the best one you guise. Heath Ledger put on the greatest performance EVER, in the history of cinema, throughout every movie I have ever seen, nobody can hold a candle to this performance. There have been some great performances in the past (Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson, Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean, Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds, Marlon Wayans in Requiem For A Dream) and none of those, NONE OF THOSE, come close to this performance. The way Ledger stole every scene was nothing short of greatness. When he wasn’t in it, I hated it. That’s how valuable his performance was.
Now…onto rating the best Batman’s. Now there is a difference in best Batman and best Bruce Wayne, mind you.
5. George Clooney
Son came in here and ruined Batman’s good name. Dude couldn’t even be a good Bruce Wayne. For this abysmal performance he finishes fucking LAST.
Batman Rating: 1/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 1/10
4. Val Kilmer
No, no, no, no, no. NO. Dark Knight turned into a Giant Pussy Knight. But as Bruce Wayne, mediocre is the best I would describe that performance.
Batman Rating: 4/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 5/10
3. Kevin Conroy
Haha, you have no idea who that is. BUT, being that it was animated it gets a perfect score but falls to number 3 on the list. His Batman voice was amazing though. He was also Batman in Arkham City/Asylum
Batman Rating: 10/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 10/10
2. Christian Bale
Before you go disagreeing with me, this is where it gets hard. Where Batman and Bruce Wayne ratings are different, the top two spots are really a tie for number 1. As Batman, I mean, let’s not pretend he was that good. But as Bruce Wayne, he was what Bruce Wayne SHOULD have been all along.
Batman Rating: 7/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 10/10
1. Michael Keaton
Best Batman hands down. Not the best Bruce Wayne, but Batman - no contest. I could understand him, he kicked ass, and he was smooth as hell.
Batman Rating: 10/10
Bruce Wayne Rating: 7/10
Now…onto the Joker
3. Jack Nicholson:
When there is only 3 Jokers, the top 3 is very hard to decide. But Jack Nicholson gets to take the 3rd spot because he was scary and funny, but I never really thought of him as anything but Jack Nicholson in that movie.
2. Luke Skywalker
Yes, Mark Hamill was the voice of the Joker in the Animated Series. That voice was iconic, and set the standards for The Joker. It is very hard to beat out a performance such as this, even if it was only his voice. Besides…he’s LUKE FUCKING SKYWALKER.
1. Heath Ledger
I explained this earlier.
Now…who should take over as the new Batman?
For all of you hoping it is Joseph Gordon Levitt, I can almost guarantee it isn’t happening. But below are a list of 3 actors that could pull it off.
3. Gerard Butler
Did you see the man in 300? He would be the perfect balance between Batman and Bruce Wayne that Christian Bale and Michael Keaton lacked. BUT, while both performances would be balanced out, they would both be an ungodly amount of mediocrity. He would be just average on both ends of the spectrum.
2. Ryan Gosling
The greatest actor of our generation? Yes sir. There isn’t an actor right now that is better than Gosling. Sure, he has done some really shitty work - see The Notebook and Crazy Stupid Movie - but then he does shit like Half Nelson, Blue Valentine, Drive, and Ides of March that shoot him to the top. Only one problem stands in his way: He would be the greatest Bruce Wayne of all time, but the nerdiest Batman of all time.Yes, he was a badass in Drive, but only because he had about 4 lines. He has the nerdy Canadian voice that doesn’t exactly intimidate ruthless thugs. Now, Gosling as THE RIDDLER? Son would give Heath a run for his money.
1. Hugh Jackman
Remember, this list is in no particular order, but Hugh Jackman would be a BAMF Batman. Son is ripped. He is the freaking Wolverine. He would KILL IT as Batman. Hell, he’d even be a great Bruce Wayne. But, like the rest of this list, there remains a problem: Son is 42 years old. By the time they would release this movie, he’ll be about 45. Do we really trust a 45 year old to play a young billionaire who kicks ass? You won’t be able to tell while he is Batman, but while he is Bruce Wayne? It would be weird to see him with a younger woman. He would be the perfect Batman, but the worst Bruce Wayne.
One last note…
Take a good long look at the man who used to be Bruce Wayne/Batman…
THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN