After a painfully long 2 hours, I finished Snow White and the Huntsman, starring Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, and Charlize Theron.
I went into this movie with an open mind, I put aside my hate for Kristen Stewart, so here goes my unbiased review.
First off, fuck this movie. Seriously. I hate Kristen Stewart. Thankfully, the creators of this boring ass movie gave her about 50 lines of dialogue. For a movie about Snow White, we sure didn’t really see much of her. Hell, there wasn’t even much of the evil queen in this movie. This should’ve been called The Huntsman. This movie was basically about
Thor Chris Hemsworth rescuing Bella Swan Kristen Stewart and running away from Charlize Theron, the South African beauty queen.
This movie started out pretty good, the intro was about 30 fucking minutes, but I wasn’t mad about it. The evil queen Ravenna kills Snow White’s dad and takes over the kingdom, and then the boy Snow White played lincoln logs with made it out and totally left her behind to be a prisoner until she grows up to be Kristen Stewart. So then she’s a prisoner with a fake British accent. If I was Robert Pattinson, I would have been APPALLED at that shitty accent that came in went.
So then she escapes the prison by cutting open Ravenna’s brothers cousin’s uncle’s sister’s best friend’s face. He was a creep so I wasn’t mad about it. Then Snow White escapes to the DAWK FAUXREST (That’s how they kept pronouncing Dark Forest). The queen takes a bath in wet cement and then calls on Thor to find Snow White and bring her to her. (It should be noted that Chris Hemsworth was the only thing good about this movie).
So he goes into the woods and finds Bella having hallucinations and looking confused as always. When he captures her, the DAWK army turns on him and he flees with Snow White.
As the twists and turns happen, they end up running into the dwarfs from Lord of the Rings.
Gimli takes her to his village of other dwarfs, one of them happens to be Nick Frost (Simon Pegg’s best friend in Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and Paul), that was a nice surprise. Then they discover the meadowlands of forest creatures.
WHAT THE FUCK.
For real, they sit there and pet a mythical moose. I’m not going to swear to it, but I think I saw Drizzzy in the background doing cartwheels and petting the bunnies. I’m not saying Drizzzzy did it, but I’m not saying he didn’t do it.
So the moose gets killed by the queen’s brother or something like that, and dissolves into lavender butterflies. I honestly think they told Drake to come up with a scene for this movie because they needed something urban the kids will like, and this bullshit is what he came up with.
Then one thing leads to another and Snow White eats an apple, that the sketchy guy from the beginning of the movie that totally left her to die, gives her. So then Thor ends up saving her life by giving her a necrophilia kiss, and she wakes up to become a (wannabe) badass.
She then leads the army against Queen Ravenna, who has become old as helllllllll, and the rest is predictable.
What I liked:
The action scenes were pretty cool.
Chris Hemsworth was worth the price of admission, he did a great job.
The South African beauty, Charlize Theron, put in a great performance.
It was an interesting take on the Snow White story, I’ll give them credit.
Kristen Stewart was hardly in it.
What I didn’t like:
Basically, wait until this movie comes to Netflix or Redbox. This bullshit isn’t worth $8.50 at the movies. The writers of this shit flick pretty much sat around and said “Let’s get as close as we can to plagiarizing Lord of the Rings without actually being accused of plagiarism.” Then they said “Kristen Stewart as snow White will bring all the Twi-Hards. Never mind making a good movie. It’s all about the money money moneyyy, moooooneeeeyyyyy”.
Final Score: 4/10
THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.