So the other day I was doing my usual workout routine in the forest. I was lifting trees, wrestling oxen, climbing giraffes and knocking elephants down with my shoulders, trying to stay in top physique for the summer time.
After I finished my workout routine, I planned to go back home…when I ran into a STRAIGHT EDGE centaur. I had never seen such an ugly creature.
I tried to move around the centaur but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“Why won’t you let me pass” I asked.
The centaur smiled.
I said, “What is your name.”
The centaur replied, “XxCentaurasaurusRexxX”
To which I replied, “Fuck”.
I knew what this was, the straight edge centaurs were angry because I had trekked onto their battlefield to do my workouts. About 98 or these straight edged bastards appeared, along with their godly leader, XxxIamsodifferentxxX.
I smiled and called upon Hades to save me, I am his bicep afterall.
Hades told me, “No son, you must fight the straight edge centaurs yourself.”
I felt betrayed. How could he do me like that? I had bought this mother fucker a birthday gift and everything.
All of a sudden, the centaurs attacked…
Two hours later, I’m sitting on a pile of dead straight edged centaurs.
All that remained was the last one…
This wasn’t any straight edged centaur. This was a MINOTAUR.
Suddenly, I remembered that I had my Blue Oyster Cult oyster.
I called onto my noble steed…
All of a sudden, my mythical fucking stallion, Peter, put his two hooves into the chest of the evil straight edge Minotaur.
Then, I grabbed my chariot and headed off into the distance with Peter, blasting NWA through the radio I had recently installed.
As I was heading back into the underworld to thank Hades for making me a stronger man, I passed the pussiest mythical elf I had ever seen.
THE BICEPS OF HADES HAS SPOKEN.